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School Stuff
Fun Stuff
Life of Brian
A Spider Problem

By James Cider and Ciara Rayne

The Spider Problem

“Ahh,” screamed Lulu. “Is something the matter?” asked Mr. Mistachio. Lulu’s eyes hung on the revolting blue slime slowly dripping from the relieve teacher’s bushy moustache. It was weird enough that Mr. Falkner was absent but having a relief teacher with red pupils was just a bit too creepy. “N-n-no,” stuttered Lulu although she was trembling in fear. Dave, her identical twin brother, could communicate with her through his brain, so feeling the utter panic being emitted from his beloved sister, he calmly walked over to her aid. “Uh, excuse us Mr. Mistachio but we were asked to help with the organisation of the annual school water pistol fight.” Mr Mistachio smiled, a frightening smile, “of course, you guys just keep doing what you’re doing. You can play in the playground for the first three periods of school if you want to, now run along and be good kids for me” he said in his fake, robotic, comically toned voice.

John, Lulu and Jess were sitting together at their desks when they noticed a small blue spider sitting on Dave’s desk then slowly climbing up Dave’s arm. “Dave, watch out, there’s a spider crawling up your arm,” they warned. “Not funny guys, I’m trying to concentrate on my work” Dave replied trying to ignore them. The small creature crawled up his neck, onto his lip and went straight up his nose! Dave shot bolt upright and said in a mechanical kind of voice, “what are you guys looking at?” Lulu screamed and started to shake. It was like the telepathic connection between her brother and herself had just been cut off. The screaming stopped and Lulu grew pale as a dark shadow overcast her and she looked up at the plump figure of Mr. Mistachio leaning over her. “Another problem Miss Kendo,” he spat. But his attention was soon attracted to Dave by his unusual behaviour. “Mr. Mistachio, do you want me to take these earthlings to the clock tower?” All the other kids surrounding Dave cracked up laughing but Dave remained serious and solemn. Mr. Mistachio looked at him with a stare of delight. “Uh Dave, detention, lets have a quick chat in my office,” Dave rose and began to amble across to the building attached to the classroom which had Mr. Mistachio’s office in it. When Dave arrived Mr. Mistachio was already there. The teacher’s orders were clear: today, he would let loose all the spiders and take over the minds of all the kids in the class.

The kids were playing a childish game of hide and seek when a tingling sensation on Lulu’s foot told her that they had unwanted company. Her face turned pale and she started to back up, “g-g-guys?” She whimpered with fear. John turned to Lulu in concern; he knew Lulu wasn’t the joking type. “What is…?” He needn’t say more. “Hold still,” he shouted firmly as he galloped across the room. BANG, BANG. Went the gun, the staples flew past Lulu’s shoulder sending a small, blue spider sprawling on the floor. She shuddered and tried to run for the door but tripped over a box of salt and sent the group of spiders following her to their graves as they melted and became nothing right in front of her eyes. “That’s it Lulu, their weakness is salt” gasped John. Quick everyone, load your water pistols with a mixture of water and salt and shoot these little critters,” Jess cried, grabbing an electric blue coloured water pistol off the pile and filling it with salty water. “I shotgun the pink one,” a girl amidst the chaos shouted pathetically. All the kids charged towards the water pistols and salt, loaded their water guns and began to exterminate the spiders.
The children emerged from the devastation after what had seemed hours from destroying the spiders. “Now for the big tough guy.” Said John. In front of all the pupils there stood one man. No more slime left dripping off his moustache due to creating all the spiders. Then suddenly, their reliever for the day started transforming. Huge, blue hairs sliced through the his shirt like needles, his unnaturally pale skin changed to a shade of dark blue and his moustache became a pair of razor sharp fangs. While all this was happening, Jess had grabbed a pinch of salt that lay on the floor and stuffed it up Dave’s nose. “Hey little Miss Muffet,” grinned Dave. “Uh Dave, please concentrate on what’s happening now,” Jess said sternly. Dave ripped off his school uniform to reveal a white karate gee. “OHHHIOIA,” he screamed. While Dave performed polished judo moves on Mr. Mistachio, Lulu crept up behind him and grabbed a mysterious looking remote he always carried around with him out of what remained of his shirt pocket. “Got it!” Cried Lulu. She stared at the shiny, red button and slowly applied pressure. For a moment it was silent, and then all of a sudden, what felt a lot like an earthquake began. The ground shuddered, and trees started sinking into the ground as if they had been caught by a magnetic force, but one thing caught everyone’s attention……. The clock tower
The amazing art piece was being dissolved brutally while floating up into space, uncovering the spaceship that belonged to the monster which just so happened to be the children’s relief teacher for the day. It exploded, sending waves of hot metal showering over the terrified school. Mr. Mistachio sprinted towards the remains of it but just as he reached the ugly ruins, a frightening bolt of lightening thrust Mr, Mistachio’s blubbering body in all different directions.

The kids gaped in disbelief at the events and prayed for a valid and sort of believable explanation for all that had occurred that day. As if on cue, a massive flying saucer hovered down to earth. Dave breathed heavily and stepped forth, worthy off sacrificing his life for the sake of his friends. Four bright lights shone powerfully inside the futuristic aircraft and three silhouettes emerged from the ramp….

“Hello Earthlings, we come in peace.” Spoke the leader of the green, Martian type things.”Umm hello,” whimpered Dave, “What do you want with us?” The boss chuckled, “All we would like to do is thank you for weakening our enemy, which made it easy for us to just finish him off!” Dave bravely replied, “Well you’d better explain yourselves then! Out with it, we have a lot of work to do here.”The leader consulted with his fellow associates and turned around in a manner that scared the children. He began: “Our rival, Mr. Mistachio, as you knew him, was once one of our greatest allies but he drove himself mad with the cravings for more power. We kicked him off our planet, “He paused and gathered his thoughts. “After months of wandering from planet to planet, he found Earth and tried to build an army of children to help him take over the entire universe. I believe you know the rest….” Dave nodded understandingly. Seconds later, the round spacecraft was only a faintly glowing speck in the sky.

Mr Falkner was tired and confused, he stumbled warily among the masses of deserted junk. From the middle of nowhere, Lulu suddenly appeared and squealed in delight at the sight of her bedraggled teacher. Explanations were made, food and drink was consumed and everybody had a merry time, celebrating that they were all still alive.

But no one noticed the puddles of blue liquid slide smoothly into the gutters and ease down the drain. Mr. Mistachio gathered himself up and peered through the bars. I’ll get you next time, Just you wait……… TO BE CONTINUED

Written by James Cider and Ciara Rayne
Yr 7 Students at Darfield High School

Brian Falkner Books