Do Not Click Do Not Click Do Not Click
School Stuff
Fun Stuff
Life of Brian
Woman Ace

By Mark Michaux

By Mark Michaux

Lace was eating his breakfast. He didn’t want to go where he was heading. He’d had enough of that stuff in middle school, but… he sighed. It was no use, even by some miracle, he wouldn’t be able to convince his parents to let him fulfil his dream as a cook, and instead, they sent him to a boring old university. He wanted to get on with HIS life! But there was no point in thinking about it, there’s nothing he could do, he thought, shovelling the last spoonful of milk down his throat “Have fun at university, honey” said his mother, seeing him off at the door. Huh! Yeah right, he thought, how is school, let alone a university, FUN?
* * *

The school bell rang, and Lace slumped in his chair like a sad dog. The rest of the class looked so similar to him; you’d think they were clones. An aroma of boringness stood in front of them, and even though the window was wide open, it still wouldn’t vacuum it out. They were all waiting. For the teacher. Suddenly, with a blare of rock music and a scream of screeching brakes, a multi coloured electro-car came skidding into the parking lot. The driver was ejected out of the car and through the open window, slid across her desk, knocking off pencils and dictionary’s, and landed on the floor. Lace was stupefied. A woman, dressed in wonder woman underwear, super-flash chest-protectors, and a bandana on her head with a golden “A” plastered across it, stood before them. The woman spoke in a Wild West kind of tone “Howdy, class! My name is Mrs. A, and lets not go into my boring details, let’s begin instead!” she said. Lace, and the rest of the class began to rummage in their backpacks to find pencil cases and workbooks “Hey!” said the teacher sharply “what do you think you’re doing’?” The class froze “You didn’t let me finish! That means that each of you gets-“the class held its breath “-an extra chocolate bar each at the end of the lesson” the class stared, then cheered! The teacher held up her hand for silence “I will now give you your workbooks” she said. She began walking down the aisles, giving out- No, Laces eyes must be deceiving him- video-games!!! She gave PSP’s and game consoles alike to the members of the class. “Play away, class! You’ve got half an hour! The person with the highest score gets an extra chocolate bar!” and they were off. A half an hour later, the teacher cashed in the consoles and exchanged them with the promised chocolate bars. The moment Lace stepped outside, his mind was changed. Information, answers and everything that revolved around learning flooded his head. For a moment all he could see were golden stars. Then they vanished. Lace shook his head and hit himself for seeing things, he would be late for the next class!

Chapter 2
Woman Ace

A rumour had gone up in the lunchroom about a teacher like no other. A teacher who would do daring stunts to impress her students. Mrs. A was famous! But she wasn’t known as Mrs. A anymore, but as Woman Ace! Mrs. L was on her way to the staff room, when she heard little whispers break out from the table like hiss’s of air escaping “Did you hear about her?” said one voice “the woman in her underwear” said another “She’s Woman Ace!” said another voice. Mrs. L was a master at stopping such childish nonsense. She opened the door to the staff room. Mrs. B, C, and the headmaster were already there “Greetings, Lucy” said the headmaster, who knew the teachers first names “You look bothered” “Oh and how I’m bothered! I heard about kids talking about teachers in their underwear!” she said. The teachers gasped “Who said it!?” said the headmaster standing up “I’ll run him through!” “Charlie, William and Nestor” the teacher said. The headmaster seized the microphone and boomed “Charlie, Nestor and William report to the staff room immediately!” 2 minutes later the boys knocked on the door “Get in here!” the Headmaster rasped. The boys entered with clumsy feet and sheepish looks “I’ve heard that you boys have been talking about us teachers in our underwear!” The headmaster roared “How dare you! We try and produce the best young adults in Philadelphia! I will not tolerate this foolish behaviour! Do you have anything to say for yourselves!!?” “Yes” said William “We were only talking about Woman Ace” “Who is this Woman Ace?” growled the headmaster. Then Nestor piped up “She’s Mrs. A sir, teacher impossible” And at that moment, Woman Ace, flew in, kicking open the door with her grabbling hook “WOOHOO!” She cried as she descended onto the staff room table “Sorry that I’m late to class” she said in her strange accent “I was just finishing throwing chocolate in the air at the cafeteria, when a horrible voice made my ears numb, it was absolutely mortifying, and don’t you think so too?” “That voice was me” the headmaster said firmly “Oh, sorry then” she said “Still, do the kids get their chocolate?” “WHAT?” the headmaster said “Oh, you’ve probably run out! Never mind, I can give them some, I’ve got an unlimited supply!” she handed the kids their chocolate and they ran outside. Once the headmaster had finished being stupefied, he said “Get your boots of my table” “Sure thing” said Woman Ace “Hey!” she moaned, looking outside at the kids on the playground “Why didn’t you tell me that it was playtime? I never miss out on a game of tag!” she said and grappled her way out of the staff room “This woman could ruin our reputation, let alone our university. I want every teacher to try and get this woman out of this university!” said the headmaster. Woman Ace suddenly grappled a piece of chocolate cake “I need this sugar” she said and ran off “Do you think she heard us?” said Mrs. C

Chapter 3
The Spy Entrance

The next day, Lace was almost vibrating with excitement. How would Woman Ace be dressed up as today? And how would she enter her classroom? There was a buzz of excitement in the classroom and they began, to wait. Just as they were beginning to lose hope, a crazy sight met their eyes; a fat little man with a propeller on his back flew over the classroom with Woman Ace dangling from a rope. She looked ridiculous in a suit of futuristic spy gear. They heard a “THUMP” and then the noise of a chainsaw. A razor blade began to cut out the roof in a circle. Once the circle was finished, the cutting was taken out leaving a gaping hole. And guess who got lowered through? Yep, Woman Ace! She took off her spy goggles and said “Aw man!” “What’s up?” said the fat little man, who had just flown in and started doing laps around the classroom “Carlson!” said Woman Ace “You told me that I’d be in time for the night club, AND get back to the school!” “Did I?” said the man, scribbling all over the whiteboard “yes, and this isn’t the downtown night club, this is the school! And it’s 8:30am!” “Well that doesn’t matter to me” said fat man sticking out his lower lip “Give me my toffee and I’ll be off” “I think someone else might want to see you” said Woman Ace pointing at the kids “But I’ve got an appointment with doctor pepper at 10:00!” moaned the fat man. But when Woman Ace whipped out four toffees, it convinced him “Hey-san Hop-san and fiddle-de-D, kids!” said the little fat man “My name is ‘Carlson on the roof’, and I’m going to teach you-“ Carlson didn’t know what to say next “How to fly, Carlson” said Woman Ace “what she said” said Carlson “so line up in a nice strait line at the window and I’ll show you how to fly, now, now, no pushing, no shoving, single file is the polite way to let me teach you” Carlson smirked. The kids began to merge excitedly into a line at the window. One by one Carlson took the kids and helped them zoom around the parking lot. The bell rang for second period “What’s that?” asked Carlson “is it toffee time? I want five huge toffee’s, in”- “No Carlson” said Woman Ace “that’s the next class, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t get your toffee’s!” She handed Carlson a box of toffees and Carlson whizzed away. The kids got their chocolate and again the same magic came over them. Lace was still wondering how he didn’t fail a single test sheet the other day. He shook his head once more, but he couldn’t shake off the feeling about Mrs. A, or, Woman Ace.

Chapter 4
The Bully Thing
It was Mrs. C who came up with the first plan. At break, she talked to Udo, the toughest, roughest, oldest kid, who was never scared to smash any of the children, or even adults. Mrs. C whispered to Udo and told him that Mrs. A had called him that he was a big, fat, ugly lug that smelled like the inside of a 5 day old, un-cleaned, public toilet. This comment made Udo crack, he charged at the teacher, children turned and bolted from the bully, he knocked out of his way a trash can with a mere twitch of his oversized fists. His muscles rippled eagerly as if they knew that they were near their target. As Udo thundered towards the teacher, she looked and said “are you playing? Fine” she ran towards him and jumped, clean over him, touching him with one finger, as if she was jumping over a horse. She landed on the other side and hollered “You’re in!” Udo turned round “GAME ON” he rasped, he swiped at Woman Ace with one of his huge fists, but missed. “Ha! You missed me!” Mrs. A hollered. She stood in front of a wall. Udo lunged, but crashed into the wall instead. He gave a scream of pain and his hand withered. He lay on the grass and moaned in agony. Mrs. A bent over him and said “Did I hurt you? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, here, have a chocolate bar” the Bully’s eyes swelled up with tears, as he chewed on the bar of tastiness “T-Thank you” Udo, whimpered. Udo was taken to the emergency room, but the best part of Mrs. C’s plan was still to come. Over the loudspeaker, the headmaster said “Would Mrs. A, please come to the staff room” Moments later, Woman Ace swooped into the staff room with a wombat suit “What’s up?” she asked “You appear to be responsible to having, severed a hole in the schools roof, corrupting our students with foul entertainment dirt, and setting a rude and disgraceful example on our valuable learners. You are a curse to this school, and I have every right to fire you!” “I’m sorry, what was that now? I wasn’t listening. Here, would you like to have a mint?” “Why, thank you” said the principal. He took a mint and popped it in his mouth. Then he stopped “LOOK, I’M ABOUT TO END YOUR CARREER, AND YOU CAN’T EVEN LISTEN TO ME!?” He thundered, “I SHOULD-“He suddenly became speechless. His face curdled, and started making strange gurgling noises. The magical mint effect had ensnared him. Then a silly smile spread over his chubby features. Then he returned to his normal state. He asked “Woman Ace! Err… I mean Mrs. A, what are you doing here?” “The school roof has a big hole in it, and you were going to ask me if I could pay for the damage to be fixed?” she snickered “Oh, well, yes…” said the headmaster, blushing “Well, will you fix the school roof?” “Of course!” said Woman ace “In fact, headmaster, I bet you two of my chocolate bars, that I can fix the school roof and be back here in three seconds” “Alright” said the headmaster “Do you happen to have a stopwatch on you?” “As a matter of fact, I do” said Woman Ace. She reached behind her back, and whisked out a handbag made of hundreds of precious stones and metals, and pulled from it, an hourglass of silver patterns made of actual silver metal with “two hours” Engraved on the lid. “Will this do?” Asked Woman ace “Perfectly” replied the headmaster “Just tap the top of the lid twice and I can start working” said Woman Ace. The Principal obeyed. The millisecond he touched the lid twice, time itself had stopped. Woman Ace sauntered out of the staff room, and after robbing the cafeteria of half their sweets, she set to work repairing the roof. She set her handbag down on her desk. As she rummaged in it she kept muttering “Let’s see here… enchanted chocolate, for making the students learn twice as much as they would normally in one lesson? Nope…... Magic Murray mints, erases the last 20 seconds of someone’s memory? Neither……… Smiley toffee, guaranteed to make your toffee-lovers smile? No... Aha!” she said holding up the items “roof fixing equipment!” She opened the box that contained the following, tools, sandpaper, and some grey stuff that shall strangely remain anonymous. But the most interesting was a tiny little box, the size of a proposal ring box. It said “Speed gum, If you need to go somewhere in a hurry, then Speed gum is just for you! Put one strip in your mouth, say the name of a fast creature and watch your friends gasp at your speed!” The box contained three red and black striped pieces of chewing gum. She put one in her mouth, bellowed “speed of a hummingbird!” and before you could say “super-caga-frej-a-listic-X-P-ali-dow-schieous” the roof was sealed, and she was back at the principals table. She tapped the hourglass twice and time returned. The principal almost fell over in his chair when he saw Woman Ace drumming her fingers on the table. He quickly steadied himself and said “How did you”- “I have my ways” said Woman Ace with a smug grin “Anyway, can I please go out to play now?”

Chapter 5
The second plan
Mrs. L came up with the second plan. She had a husband who had a lawyer who was friends with the mayor. She passed on a fake message, that Mrs. A had been very nasty to her, and that her taxes should be raised. And so it happened. The taxes collectors were going to get the taxes the next day.
“Now I know,” Said the Narrator “that you think that this is going to be a very easy job for Woman Ace and her enchanted handbag, eh? Well you’re wrong. This story will change now. Because you’ve forgotten, O reader, that people aside from the teachers are very curious about Woman Ace. But what would you expect from a story like mine? The students were rousing suspicions and false rumours and one young adult were determined to stop those lies: Lace. What he is about to do next he will sincerely regret, but alas, O reader, that is his problem, not mine. I am aware this is boring, so let’s say that enough has been blathered already. Let us get on with the proper story, which, sadly, therefore I will need to start a new chapter.

Chapter 6
Found out
Lace was very curious about Woman Ace. He hadn’t had any sleep the other day and the hole in the roof which Woman Ace made was fixed. He decided to find out about Woman Ace once and for all. At Lunchtime, he stopped eating and he slipped out of the lunch room and sneaked down the hall. He tried his classrooms handle. It wouldn’t budge. He used a paper clip to unlock the door. He went inside as he closed the door. There was nothing unusual in the classroom. “Nothing unusual, yet” Lace thought. He opened a draw in the teacher’s desk and, bingo; he found what he was looking for, a handbag. Lace had seen Woman Ace using the handbag very much. A little TOO much. He propped the handbag on her desk and opened it. Inside the handbag there was nothing but darkness and nothing. He put his hand inside it and hoped for the best. A golden glow erupted from the inside of the bag. Lace withdrew his hand and toppled backwards. He sat up and found that he was holding a piece of paper. He unfolded it and on it, were four words “Hope For The Best” he read aloud “What does that mean?” “It means,” said a woman’s voice behind him “That you were thinking that when you pulled a grand something out of The Grand Something” James’s blood ran cold.

Chapter 7
Lace whirled around. Woman Ace was tapping her foot “I-I-I’m”- Stuttered Lace “Whoa, easy” said Woman Ace “Just sit down, calm down, and then I can talk to you” Lace was seated at a desk in an instant. Woman Ace put her hand into “The Grand Something” as she called it and pulled out a glass of Fanta. It had three ice cubes in it, a tropical mini-umbrella and an orange slice on the side of the glass. She handed it to Lace and Lace took it gratefully. Woman Ace sat down and said “What I’m about to tell you, I haven’t told anyone else, can I trust you?” she asked “I won’t tell” said Lace. Woman Ace began to talk “In my youth I used to come from the Wild West” “That explains your accent” said Lace. Woman Ace nodded “I rounded up the kind of stuff a cowgirl would round up, Cattle, bulls, sheep, and the usual. I very rarely saw Indians. One day I had lost one of my cows. I was looking for it around a canyon when an old woman came towards me. She was so old; you couldn’t even see her eyes and mouth. She was leaning on an old staff. She came out of a blue flame and gave me two things before she disappeared. A note and that handbag” she pointed to The Grand Something “I read the note. Here’s what it said “Dear Mrs A, You are now the owner of this enchanted handbag. It contains whatever you may desire. The bag is called The Grand Something, for it shall give you what you need at that time and place even if it seems unlikely. If you can picture the object that you want, then The Grand Something will give you it. Beware, I foresee an exciting, and dangerous future ahead of you. So be on your guard. However, spread the joy of education around the world and you will not regret it. So, I’ve been spending my time as a high college teacher. Even I haven’t been able to understand the bags full power, but will you promise not to tell anyone?” “I promise” said Lace “good” said Woman Ace. “You need to go outside and play” Lace stepped out of the door and ran outside to play.

Chapter 8
Woman Ace out
The next day something bad happened. Over the loudspeaker the headmaster began giving the daily notices, and said
“-And I’m afraid that Mrs. A won’t be continuing in our school, due to bills” the halls erupted with boo’s and hiss’s. And the rest of the day was doom and gloom for the teenagers. The headmaster, however, was seated in his office, looking pleased with himself. There was a knock on the door, and Mrs. C came in with a wheelbarrow filled with letters that scraped the ceiling. She put down the wheelbarrow. “The school complaints, sir” she panted. The headmaster began to open the first letter “WE WANT WOMAN ACE BACK!!!!!” shrieked the headline “Oh, and by the way, sir” gasped Mrs. C “These are the records of the children’s exam papers this week” “AAAhhhhh…” said the headmaster, his grin stretching “Are they off the charts?” “Yes sir-” said Mrs. C “Hooray!” said the headmaster “downward” “What?” said the headmaster “Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday the children got 98% in all they’re studies, but for Thursdays exams the children got -8” “How?” said the headmaster “When?” “Today” said Mrs. C “Why?” Asked the headmaster “Read the letters” said Mrs. C. She walked out of the office as the mountain of paper descended upon the unfortunate headmaster.

Chapter 9
The cooking competition
That evening Lace was walking home when a small poster caught his eye. “The cooking competition starts tomorrow!” shouted the headline “In this marvellous event, anyone, no matter of age may compete! The prize is 5,000 dollars to anyone who can impress the French food critic, Sorreene le Clare. May the best chef win! Sign your name and address underneath” Lace quickly wrote down his name and address and started walking home. He looked up on the computer a few details. He found out that Woman Ace had been sentenced to 2 year in jail for not paying her taxes and that it coasted exactly 5,000 dollars to get her out. Lace got out his unpublished cooking book with all his supreme recipes in it. He found his greatest formula for his greatest dish. He was ready for the inevitable. “5,000 dollars, here I come” thought Lace as he went to sleep
* * *
“WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE GREAT ANNUAL COOKING COMPETITION! WHERE EVERYBODY ARE ALWAYS IN THE MOOD FOR FOOD!” Lace was seated with several other competitors and was ready to make sure that what he served up to the critic, his eaten couldn’t be beaten! “YOU HAVE 2 MINATES TO MAKE THE EDIBLE!” boomed the loudspeakers “BEGIN!” Lace whipped up his recipe and presented it to the critic. The silence was unbearable as she tasted it. A voice came over the loudspeakers “The winner is… Mr R Fredrickson with his amazing recipe from the famous chef Mr. Linguini” the crowds erupted in claps and cheers and Lace stormed offstage. He went home in tears and cried himself to sleep that night.

Chapter 10
The resolution
2 miserable days later, Woman Ace was seen back at school, but the headmaster wasn’t. She told the kids that one of the school teachers (Who shall remain anonymous) had spilled the beans and Woman Ace had been released and the court had taken in the headmaster. Lace got his job as a young master chef and got his cookbook published, and is happy. The headmaster now owns a school in New York City, and is happy. The rest of the teachers were given the title of The Super-teachers, and are happy. And the children have a great time at university, and are happy. And then there is Woman Ace, Teacher Impossible, who made everyone happy.


Brian Falkner Books